This is post is part of my blogging challenge. This is day 1 and I am hoping to learn some new things with this challenge. This is what was on my mind when I first sat down to type.
Well, I finally got a chance to sit and write this blogging challenge post. As I sit on my bed and just . say ugh. Will that I am supposed to write what is on my mind right now. Well, I feel lonely, depressed, very unhappy and don't know what to do about it. I have a husband and you would never know it, but I do. We have known eac+h other for over 25 years and we have always been grea+t* frie+nds and so on. We have been married since Christmas eve 2010 and let me tell you we have been through some shit and even separated 2 whole times. I think that is what really bothers me about my husband and the shit he DON'T do. Well here is a rough outline as I sit here and think. I do love him with everything I got and I always show it and I know I can be a nag as he calls it. I just need attention and help. I do everything around the house and go to dialysis. He will help out with some small shit on the weekends, but he thinks that he works he don't need to do anything. Ok, I hear that but damn I am a sick person and I push myself.
Now for the first separation he left me cause we used to go out and drink then I started to do it to much with one of my friends. Ok, i can understand that but help me to see what I am doing wrong not just say BYE! Well yes my heart got ripped out then and then I got in trouble and I said to hell with it cause I would just make a bigger mess of myself if I stay. Well this guy friend lived in Florida and he said I can come and stay with him. Now he was only a friend in my mind, nothing sexual ever happened. WEll then here I am in Florida trying to put my life together some how. After months my husband sent me a message on facebook and we talked. Then he bought a ticket and came to be with me. My husband and the guy friend did not like each other at all. My friend got mad because I was trying to work things out with my husband. I thought that he really did love me came 1,500 miles to be with me. Well then we moved to a different time in florida. Everything we got going good. We got our own place, he got a job I found a doctor-that found my kidney failure. Yes I am in kidney failure, end stage. We went good for a couple years. Well then I guess I said something and under his breath he said find a new place to live. Well with my temper and attitude I said fine and I will. The next day I moved out and go another mobile home in the same park. WEll then he left and moved back to massachusettes. So I continued on going to fix my life. Yes I cried for almiost the first month. I wouldnt admit that but I did. I got my money to live on, got my licence and got myself a car. I moved on and slowly forgot about him and I knew I didnt want to be with noone else though. Well after 3 months this guy calls me and wants to come back home and work things out. So I let him. I think this is why I feel so strong about this.
He never changed, he dont try and doesnt even seem like he cares. I had everything on my shoulders and dont forget dialysis too. I always felt bad after it and still had to do everything. Well my son came to live with me and that was the happiest day in my life. He does help me and everything. He does try to get Hetor to help and motivate. But like tonight, I am deathly sick from these 7 weekold jittens. I dont know why but I am. I am trying to find somewhere for them and I have a huge dog in heat and the boy dog is small and keeps trying well they fight and I am afraid that he will get hurt. I worry about the bills, the house, my stuff, doctors appoinments, dialsysis, the grocery shopping. Well this was my night so far and this is why i was thinking about it. I went to pick up my son from work at 4...then I drove out to pick up my husband at 430 and then drive back with them. We get home I have to start supper, feed all the animals and whatever else. Well I was doing it and I said omg i am so frustrated. Well my son said your always frustrated at this time. WEll it was like a light bulb went off in my head. So after i fed the animals and got supper going i sat on the couch and said we all need to talk. They looked at me and I said i know why I am frustrated it's because of the driving and then coming home and do everything while you take the dogs out to pee for 10 minutes. I then said i will pick up shawn (my son) bring myself home and shawn will go and get you until I sign him up for the bus. He looked cause he will have to stand on the side of the road and of course be even later to pick him up. Then I did start crying and my husband never said a word and that was it. I just walked away. I feel like I am getting to the point just not caring no more. He never comes in the bedroom to sleep, watch a movie, to talk or anything, but he can sit out there and talk and laugh with my son.
I still am just sitting here wondering what the hell is wrong with me? I ask myself all the time, is it me or him. I dont know how to fix it or what to feel anymore. I cant say that, it's a lie. It all really bothers me so damn much. I figured I have my animals and I used to just have my animals before my son came. I dont know what to do anymore. it really does make me sad. I am so sick of crying all the time.
WEll that is what I think about pretty much every day and night. I constantly try to fix my marriage and us but i cant if he dont talk to me even or want to. I always ask him do you really love me? This is his answer if I didnt i wouldnt be here......well he is not here for me at all. I have dialysis tomorrow let's see what happens. NOTHING.